This will never happen again, but here is an excerpt of my journal entry today. Since I've been writing so much on here, I've neglected my own personal thoughts. I haven't written in this journal that I love so much for over a month. For those who know me, this is unusual.
Here it goes
"You tend to forget how good movies were in your childhood. "Cruel Intentions" is on of those movies that has made an impact on my childhood. I can simply close my eyes and see my nine year old self at my old house. Good ole 809 Amherst St. I am sitting on a moderate green couch with a type of floral pattern but the symmetry is so remarkable it almost looks as if it has tiny plaid designs dressed in hints of pink and white. There may have been specs of blue and black too taking hold of the border. I see myself lying across the couch there watching HBO on the 31" wooden television imagining a life like the lead character; Sebastian. I've always had a desire to be the one who is seen as the heartthrob, but learns the importance of love. Unfortunately, what else I loved about the character is that he doesn't live to act on what he learns. In the dim of the living room merely relying on a lone lamp and the illumination of the screen as I watch Sarah Michelle Gellar arouse Ryan Phillippe just to tease him. The way those two played off of each other, I enjoyed the shared submission going back and forth, as well as the connection that hid in the background of the entire plot.
Sitting there with what I'd learn later in life to be a virgin bloody merry spiked with a bit more tobassco sauce than the avg merry. A half eaten celery stick rested on the bottom of the Aladdin glass to represent the finale of the delicious drink I consumed about 60% of the time.This must have been the trended drink choice of my mom at the time. I always used to mimic what she'd drink. When she had a martini phase you'd see me with a wine glass filled of water and an olive in it. She would drink beer and I would take her empty bottles and fill them with apple juice. She doesn't realize how much I wanted to be like her. She was filled with such confidence, strength, and will. I wanted that. I wanted that for my character.
During the movie the glass merely sat on the coffee table with out a coaster, leaving its condensation to for a moat around it. Then it hits me, Sebastian's vice was his journal. It was his best friend his crutch, or like he called it "his trophy". His creative escape is what influenced my wish to write in my own journal, to share my thoughts and in essence right a book about me. I wanted his journal, I wanted to be suave like him, I wanted to woo women, and give everyone the impression that I was a somebody.
Keep in mind how I said "was"
This made me learn that I have a voice. That it in fact can be articulated however I choose to do so. What I say, goes because the only dangerous weapon we really have in life are words.
"Cruel Intentions" is my favorite movie because I don't need to watch it all the time. It shockingly made a large impact on me. Most movies do. Big movies for me in my childhood were "The Matrix", "X-Men","Three to Tango", and "Gattaca". However, "Cruel Intentions" changed my life. Without that movie, I probably wouldn't have had the urge to write at such a young age. Since that movie, I wrote my first real poem at eleven, first song at thirteen, and first short story at twenty.
As just a kid, a nine year old sneaking downstairs at 11PM to watch an R rated movie while my mother and grandmother were sleeping. It honestly changed my life for good.
I discovered
- Love
- Writing
- Deception
- Redemption
- Guilt
- Truth
See there was some mention of alcohol. We all learned about my mother's consumption! That's always fun right?
Be prepared. Last post tomorrow before craziness stirs and the demon awakes..
Can't Wait!
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