The Vodka Vag, and Whiskey Dick Syndrome

It has come to my attention that this epidemic is a serious matter. It's sweeping our nation and it needs to be addressed.

SURGEON GENERAL WARNING- Too much consumption of alcohol can result in black outs, or worse, loss of sensation of your glory parts.

 

Whiskey Dick- Most of you may know this definition. It is when a man is so drunk he cannot have an erect penis. Guys, be realistic with yourself. Is it the fact that you can't get hard because you're drunk or does your lady friend look like Rasputia of Norbit? Think about it

 

Vodka Vag- occurs when a female is so schwasted she loses feeling in her vagina. Women; do not be confused with green bean syndrome, you're just interacting with a small thin penis. You may need another drink.

But Seriously if anyone looks like this and you're drunk run away.

Back to School means Back to Booze

Alcohol is the perfect school supply to unwind from a rough day of class, or ease the pain of a bad test grade. It is also great at erasing your memory for the night.

However the most anticipating part of college is in fact the first weekend of classes. Think of it has a family reunion or your favorite typical gathering with a mix of trash.

Thus this means you need to stock your bar right. However, we're in college. We cannot afford classy liquor all the time, but don't scam yourself either. There's alcohol that you can buy that's not expensive, but still delicious.

Here's  a few to choose from, and a few that you should avoid at all costs because it is a waste.

Rum

Bacardi is always a good choice. I'd say that it's a consistent rum,also right on with the taste you want.  However, at most places this rum can be a bit over priced. you are better off buying a half gallon or handle of the stuff. Aside from this, I'd suggest a rum that's valued at about $18-$20 for a liter. It's probably legit. Avoid Barton at all costs.

Everyone deserves to spoil themselves. A fifth of this rum ranges about $30. However, the flavors are a lot more present than silver rum. I always try to avoid silver rum if I don't care about the presentation of my cocktails. Others who prefer darker rums will usually lean towards a spiced rum because they think it has the most flavor. That is not necessarily true. Spiced rums can be good, but it will only be one thing; spiced rum. If you want something that doesn't have just an additional flavor, something that was crafted on its own natural ingredients, 10 Cane is your rum.

Vodka

I'd say for college, this is the best vodka to go for. It's decent, and kind to your wallet. I only recommend this vodka for those who need it for A LOT of mixing. Also, a handle is only about $20 if you go to the right place. If they charge you anymore than that walk away. Seriously, get the fuck out they're robbing you.

JUST DON'T DO IT! I'm not saying Absolut is a God awful vodka...Wait yes I am. To pay $30 for a fifth  is just a scam. Most people use vodka as vices for mixing and creating cocktails so why pay so much? I wouldn't even do a shot of this if it were free.

I'm not sure if a lot of people have been exposed to this classic Russian vodka. If you're looking for class, a liter of this is no more than $25. When you taste it, you'll know you're getting what you paid for. It's a smooth, simple, and sophisticated vodka. We all deserve to spoil ourselves sometimes.

Tequila

You can't go wrong here. Good Tequila is reasonable. Great Tequila is not cheap (you'll see) Espolon is a reasonable tequila that is pretty good. If anyone remembers my lesson of tequila and needs to know what to look for your answer awaits here. Sold by the fifth for about $25.

Probably the cheapest Tequila you can find in the states, but if I had to pick this or Jose, you better believe this will be in my mouth. Some places less than $15. great for Margaritas, Tequila Sunrise, Long Island Iced Tea. A drink you can make were you say "I just don't give a flying FUCK"

All I have to say is do research. This is your Christmas present to yourself. This is what you'll buy for Cinco de Mayo. This is not the best I've had, because the best I've had retailed at $100. This ranges based on each brand $45-$80. Still delicious.

Bottoms up!

Next Post: Let's Talk about Gin. Coming Soon!

What Drinking can do for you!

It's funny how fast thirty days of drinking can fly as opposed to thirty days of sobriety. If it wasn't obvious from Facebook, twitter, or whatever you choose to use to stalk me (I really hope you're not in my closet. If so, do you have any olives for my martini?) that the latter of this challenge was a blast. I went out, partied, drank in my room, got drunk about 80% of the time. I really wish that were a lie.

Basically the past thirty days were a blackout, here's why.

Selective Energy- I say this because a large amount of my energy was spent drinking and going out. Is that wrong? FUUUUUCK No. Does that effect other prorities, you bet your ass it does. Since I saved my energy for drinking, when it came time for work I was practically a zombie. I would pretty much lay around and have people do  hard tasks, while I would complete the mindless ones, like Tetris.

Eating Habits- At this very moment I am try to fight off a pot belly. I try not to eat a lot because I am aware that alcohol is full of empty calories and I'm sensible to know what I need to put in my body and when. I also get drunk faster if I eat less which makes the wallet happy. It's just those hangover days (20/30) of them were I raid the cafeteria and wonder how I finished three plates and a yogurt. Weight has fluctuated this past month, but I still try to make a habit to go to the gym. The only catch is, I don't go six times a week anymore. It's more like four, or three. However when I'm there, if I prepare myself mentally, I can still dish out a good work out, that's the rugger in me. I love that rugger is a word and that I didn't have to do spell check.

DRINK BREAK

Strength- That concept has not left me thankfully. In fact, when I'm drunk I feel even stronger. It's like I'm Thor or  more so the HULK in his early stages. I cannot control my actions in the least and I just want lift, jump, or break things. So yes, I'm She Hulk.

Mood- This one is very significant that we should all pay attention to. Everyday at work if I'm stressed out my motivator is a drink. This is something you should not rely on but here I am. I'm actually going 31 days strong because as happy as I was knowing I don't have to drink, that is still all I want to do. If not, I'm a bitch. With a lack of energy comes a low tolerance for patience, and I hold a lot of emotions in all the time. Sometimes I may have a short temper. Prime example, my boss did something that upset me so much, I set up my mattress to be a punching bag.


Right now I need to work on a slow transition to not drinking everyday. I need to save that for the weekends, as well as knowing that I need to save my money. Can you tell even my will to write this is limited? Thanks booze.

I don't recommend everyone trying this challenge because we all react differently to substance abuse. I really need to push myself to have a controlled habit or my posts will forever become jibberish, like this one.

Top Five Beers of the Summer

In no particular order.. You'll find that these beers have a theme. The theme is EPIC. Enjoy.

Shock Top- I have literally just been introduced to this beer during my 30 day binge. I am thankful for that because I think its one of the best beers you could have this summer. ESPECIALLY with all of this dry heat that has hit this season. In fact, it was so refreshing that I pounded three pints of the stuff in less than hour. You really get the citrus notes (specifically oranges) more than anything in this beer. If that is something that you like, then by all means, give me a call ;)

AGAIN a beer that I got exposed to recently. 312 goose Island beer (Urban Wheat Ale). This beer does not have as much fruit as Shock Top, but I think it works for those who still want something that is refreshing but with more character. You don't need an orange wedge for this one, just a bottle opener really.

Samuel Adams Summer Ale- This beer and I have a lot of history together. We've rung in numerous birthdays, cookouts, and "Shit Show Sundays" (I'll explain another time). This will always be one of my favorites. When you view the last two beers one thing I will say about them is that they are always consistent in their flavor. Every summer you never know how this batch of Summer Ale will taste. It usually has two characteristics; either more on the hop side, or full of a lemon citrus note. Since it is summer, my palate prefers more citrus for a beer, however this years batch actually has a happy medium. For those avid followers you would know that this was my first drink after my 30 day hiatus.

Hoegarrden (who-gaarden)- This beer has a similar characteristic as Summer Ale, but like I said before, it's more consistent with it's taste. Another beer with a lot of citrus, but a really nice balance of wheat and barely for a blonde. I was introduced to this beer when I was abroad in Galway, Ireland. I really thought that when I came back to the states I would never see it again. However, Wegmans never lets me down, and I found every beer I had right at my fingertips. Pure Bliss!

This is my inner cheap college kid/hippie/wannabe drug addict showing. PBR(Pabst Blue Ribbon) is just delicious for the price. I don't feel guilt for drinking it, and I usually drink it just to get wasted. Which is obviously why it is one of my summer beer choices. It's smooth, has a lot of barely, and it's cheap as fuck. Nough Said.

How to: Avoid your boss when you have a bag full of booze

It's 8 o'clock in the morning and you're waking up from your friends place to walk home. You grab all of your booze and place it in a drawstring bag. Naturally, you believe that this is a decent disguise and you don't expect anyone to see you in BROAD daylight. This is when you are unaware that you are in fact, still plastered.

It just gets better. The impossible happens as you walk down the hill towards the roads you see your boss riding their bike. You are already exposed on the street so you can't hide. Instead, you walk faster as if that isn't noticeable in the slightest. You pick up your phone, your ipod, and your ipad all at once to appear to be busy. As soon as they pass, minutes later your phone rings, and it's them. They are at your residence hall doing  only God knows what at the worst possible time and all you want to do is go to bed. Your boss askes the one question you don't want to hear.

"Where are you?"

SHIIIIIIITTTTT

Now these tips that I am going to provide you are very important. They may not apply to everyone,  but at least 30%.

Here is what you do.

• Remain Calm- I tried to sound as sober as possible
• Lie-"Where am I? oh I'm actually at breakfast"
• B line it to the fastest secure location without being noticeable that you're avoiding someone
• Wait it out

Every block that I crossed on my way to breakfast there was a Public Safety car. By the time I was inside I had no idea that the Svedka bottle in my bag was sticking out >.< However, I still maintained the ability to avoid the situation, and get to my dorm without any encounters with my boss.

Why Spongebob plays a big role on my drinking

"Spongebob Squarepants" celebrates thirteen years being on the air, and that little bastard still owes me a Pina Colada I don't care if part of the ingredients are his house.

Spongebob is 95% part of the reason why I drink in the first place. I mean do you think someone over the age of 15 can watch a show about a sponge making hamburgers who's best friends with a squirrel and a starfish under water? 

I'm shocked I don't watch this show stoned.

Okay I have a few times. My point is this.

Spongebob is a sponge.

I will repeat this.

Spongebob Squarepants is a sponge, and he has been on television for 13 years.

Anyway, here's a fun way to start off your nights out. It's what I'd like to call "Saturday Morning Breakfast"

• Drink whenever Patrick looks confused
• Drink when Mr. Krabs says "you wastin all me money"
• Drink whenever Sandy talks. No body likes to hear that bitch talk. Not no body
• Drink twice whenever Gary meows. When's the last time you heard a snail meow? Drink four.
• Drink whenever Spongebob dances
• Drink whenever Spongebob frollics
• Jelly fishing. Drink for just reading that.
• Drink whenever Spongebob is being Spongebob
• Chug.

This drinking game will guarantee you a great time in the emergency room.
In all seriousness I really love this show.

Why I love Whiskey

    "I'm not big on whiskey, but the whiskey sour was pretty good"

-He who will not be named

 No, I'm not referring to Voldermort. This is what my close friend just told me. So I felt inclined to speak out on why Whiskey is in fact the best liquor out there. Sorry buddy, but what you just said is like blasphemy to my ears. I'm going to need a moment to compose myself for this.

Seriously though, what the fuck

How can someone not like Whiskey? I cannot fathom it. I think people who choose not to try it or don't like it are unaware of all how versatile it is. Vodka and Rum are good options yes, but Whiskey has it's own character. It's process itself manifests itself into so many varieties.

 I only say this because I personally feel that everyone should enjoy Whiskey. Whiskey is bold, it has character, it has this unique bite that I think is a classier choice than tequila. Even though will just take shots of them both any day.

It also gets you drunk. Some people forgot this was a blog about alcohol. Odd.

Here are the reasons why Whiskey is one of the best beverages out there. Just try it.

1. Whiskey has alter egos
2. It can be mixed with almost anything
3. Drink that shit straight for once and stop being a little bitch about it.

Sorry. You needed to read that.

Point 1.

Whiskey's alter ego. Many don't know this, but Whiskey can be distilled in ways rum and vodka can't. Whiskey is made in so many different countries. The more popular are Irish(Jameson),Scottish, and American. Common whiskeys are Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Crown Royal. Whiskey can also age to become bourbon, or if you're a classy bitch or any old fart; scotch.

 

 

Point 2.

That shit can be mixed with anything! Juice, pop, other liqueurs it's more flexible than Tila Tequila (too 2009?) One of my favorite mixed drinks is the old fashioned. Yes, I am really a 38 year old male. However, I don't care because it's delicious, it makes me happy, and when I have more than 5, I like to pretend I have a monocle. 

Point 3

GET OVER IT